Fighting an old lady for my life

As some of you know I recently moved, I spent one day cleaning the house, it was cleaner when we left then when I moved. We didn't damage anything out they are saying the walls, the carpet, even pipes outside the house were supposedly damaged by us. On the way there I said with this money we get can we buy me a ticket out of town ASAP, So this greedy old lady screwed us out of that money just enough so i could leave, and stay in a hostel for 1 1/2 weeks. thing keep getting delayed because of things like this. if shit like this didn't happen i would be clean for 30 days, and maybe be working my way home to see the ones i love, for a short time before i leave again to hopeful seal my sobriety for good.
This little old lady has no idea how she has affected my life.
This is what heroin has done to me , to us, our lives, we a scratching for money to do anything. The price some pay to fill their Hummers could save my life. And my experience is those people are the ones who would say I did this to myself, good luck.
But the doctors that got me addicted to the pills, is not part of the problem, still a respected member of society. I am the trash, the fact that I had a deposit that I planned to use to help with get myself together that doesn't matter. I get no credit for wanting to quit, it doesn't matter that people have stolen some of the money we plan to use. That sad thing is I used to make 2 times the amount of money hat has stressed us out.
But despite all this, no old lady is going to ruin my life, in fact im tempted to ruin hers, but instead I will just harass the hell out of her.
I'll write more later tonight, I don't think I have eaten 3 days, I have had a couple donuts, but thats it, so I need to eat.

A DAY OF REFLECTION

Yesterday I had a scare I sent this link to my Facebook account, with all my friends, family everyone.
So far it seem like 3 people saw it, 2 of them I would consider my best friends, even though they live in different cities 1000's of mile from each other, and me. And an old friend who I know understands.
They have all been very supportive, and honestly I would expect nothing less from these people. It's who they are, or at least how our relationships have always been.
It make me think of all the people I effect with this 1000s of miles away, one person on the other side of the world!
I have always thought this was only about me, and my girl, as she has put up with all the bullshit.
But now I have people I care about worried as well, something I never wanted. Not that I wanted to hide it, but when I talk to them and they say how are you, I don't want to be like. Well.......... I don't want people worrying about me. I don't worry about me, why should they. That sounds cold.It's not meant that way.
 Their thought, and concerns mean the world to me. But the situations I regularly put myself in, ays I don't care about myself. So I definitely don't want the people I care about worrying about me.
At least with this issue.
I said the other day, i have never stolen, lied, or scammed anyone to support my habit, so  figured I never hurt anyone except myself, and my girl. (not to say she can handle it, or deserves it)
But I have hurt a lot of people. That sucks, we only hurt the ones we love.
The other people don't give a shit.

TODAY I REALIZED THE LENGTHS I GO TO KEEP MY SECRET

If you have followed my site, first off thanks, seconds thanks for finding me again. For everyone else I had to change the address of my blog because after my post last night, while sending out twits, goggle buzz, Facebook, etc., i have to people watching m site so they know when there is an update. well i had Facebook, (which i hate to begin with) but it is by far the best site to find, connect, and stay in touch with people.
Anyway I sent an alert, or notice"that I had posted an update to my bog, 'the story of my heroin...…"
It got sen to all my friends and family. Living in Mexico, I felt shielded from the shame from everyone knowing, That was only something I thought I could hide, so close to leaving and doing some dumb shit like that. Trying to write a blog, and get people to come to it, without using your personal contacts, is hard.
And while I do want people to come to my blog, I work/ed very hard to keep myself private. Sure if you search around you might find out who I am (no-one).
Now I don't have the luxury of 5 years fro now saying, "I had a heroin problem years ago......."
Maybe there isn't a good way to explain this part, as my family life is very complicated.

SO NOW EVERYONE KNOWS
As distant as I am with my family, it makes me sacred to call them. To friends I might have to see soon, or job prospects, when I move to Seattle, people I didn't see often. This is a part of my life (the addiction) I want to forget, don't get me wrong, I don't want to forget at all, but I don't want to have to explain it to people for years to come, a lot of conservative people, who would think I was stupid, but Rush Limbaugh was brave. Or that he was different from me, in any way, except he had people go get his drug of choice, Oxycotin, also my drug of choice, but at this point n m life above my reach, actually the drug that got me here.
In some peoples eyes, I will always be an idiot, in mind, I will aways be curious, and want to try new things, go new places, live in new places. I want to experience life, this drug has kept me from doing
That Between the methadone clinic, and a heroin connection, I really can't leave town, unless I want to travel thru military checkpoints, I don't. I don't want everyone to know this about me, I never used a needle from another person, I HAVE BEEN SOLD USED, DIRTY NEEDLES and thrown them away.
I have had regular medical tests. But some people will wonder, people will talk, and tell other people.
People will keep me away from their kids, which I don't want kids, and I don't want my friends to have anymore, as I don't want to share them with anyone else (that's a completely different posting!)
I'm, scared of all these things happening. I'm afraid this is like a criminal record, it will always be with me, a thru the grapevine resume.  I'm not worried about being able to restore my name, I never stole, lied or cheated. I  know there is a percentage of people who will think of e the same. I hope thats not the case.

the money it takes

I had a fight with my fiance over $8usd, thats what my heroin currently costs per day.
i said i would do whatever i had to to get the money, and she said well maybe you should do that
As im spending our money until I leave. But I don't want to beg, or sell stuff, or steal. Im told I think we are rich and don't care about the money, if I did, I would do less.
I wish that was true, I know im throwing away money, our money, and currently she's the only one working. Its shitty, disrespectful, it makes it look like im using her, and I don't care about our future together. When in reality that is all as far from the truth as possible.
But thats how she feel, and she should, that is how she is being treated. I have told her many times, everything she has done for me will be made up, somehow some way, and I intend to do that. But the fact that $8 has caused so much trouble is saying a lot, I have spent $1000.00's on this shit, in the last couple months.
I just need to make it 1 more week.
on a side note my back is .killing me

time to cut down again

Because of our money problems, I have to cut down again or it will delay my detox.  So as hard as it might be I have to do it, or just stay on this path i'm on. A path of death, misery, destruction, there is nothing good down this road. Well, there is temporary comfort. But thats it I might feel good for a couple hours, after im not sore from 30 pricks with a needle. But that is short lived.
Now I have moved into a new house, with a girl who is the cousin of one of my best friends here, so I have to be even more careful no one finds out before I leave.
I wish this could start today, I don't want to get sick or feel bad, and like I have aid many times, if I do it here, I will just go et drugs, but to be in a place where I have nothing, no options, but to get sick and deal with it, thats all I want, I will be gone for a long time, so the longer I wait to go, the longer till I return. The in turn longer till I leave this town.
I guess the easy part is now almost everything is unpacked so I can get sick, and stay in bed most of the day.
That takes some of the pressure off me to "be well" if I had the balls, I would say fuck it and start detoxing now. I just cant bring myself to do that.

MY INTERNET IS BACK!!

So I have had comments from people who don't know if I know how serous this is.
The title of this blog, my story of life, and or death. Says it all.
my best friend died of a heroin overdose, i don't think im special or this could never happen to me,
Because it can, and if I don't do something to change things, it will. I expect that.
i cant continue to live like this, if you can even call this life. if i continue down this road
i would almost prefer death via overdose. that would ensure i stop the suffering im causing to the ones i love, even though it might be hard for a time. at the same time it would ensure this lifestyle would be no more for me.at this point tats what i want more than anything           

THANKS FOR ALL THE MESSAGES OF SUPPORT

Honestly they mean a lot to me, when I feel hopeless, to know that someone who knows my story but no t me, have support for me, and wishes the best for me, means more than I can explain.
thanks!

day 17

Finally tomorrow, I will have internet again, because of the move I haven't been able to make regular posts.
But also because the move I have to be busy, I haven't really had any time to do anything other that unpack, and fix things in the house.
My fiance has been very upset that I haven't lowered my dosage. But I cant, besides the fact I am having trouble getting lower than I am now. But withdrawal the stuff I am expected to do, I cant take any time to be sick, in fact I have to be feeling pretty good to do all this, which sometime means more that regularly.
i placed an ad about work for trade for a bus/plane ticket out of here, or rooms at a hostel for a couple weeks to detox. i was contacted by one person who said they thought they could help me, i don't know what he means by that, best case, is he needs a lot of stuff done, and i will have the resources to leave this week, worst case, he just want to talk to me abbot religion.
I think I have made it clear  on my thoughts of religion, I know some people don't give up and I guess it could range all the way to people who think they should kill non believers.
none of this has anything to do with the real issue. i think i will be leaving in around a week, unless something else happens to speed up things, time seems to go so slow while i'm waiting to go, and when i get sick. i know i'm gonna be sick no matter what. but when i know it's a 5 min drive to make al the pain go away, i wont be able to stop. and as long as i'm need to do all kinds of stuff. i cant wait till there is nothing hanging over my head, and i can go lay down outside where it is warm, hopefully hot. and withdrawal thereafter i get that pas me it will all be uphill