USING METH TO HELP MY HEROIN DETOX, AND I'M LEAVING BY MONDAY!

1ST off I talked to the bus company today, I will leave Monday AT THE LATEST, maybe sooner, I need to make sure I have all the supplies I need, and everything my girl needs is done, and spend as much time with her as possible, as I will be gone for months.
2nd, I'm thinking another day/night of meth would be good for my detox, so when I get on the bus, for a 27 hour bus ride, I can sleep the whole time. I have looked into this thing, to see if it is known to help. And what I found out, from a government website (.gov) methadone is used for cocaine, and meth addiction as well.
I have know for years the methadone clinic in Tijuana gives methadone to meth heads, but they are a business, and want to get as many people as possible on methadone for the rest of their lives. 20 years ago i was addicted to meth, I don't see how methadone would have helped me as my issue was i do it for work, after i cant sleep when i finally get to sleep i have to get up in an hour, so i have to do it again, or, do it before i go to sleep so the next day i could sleep after work.
This never worked, I was stuck in a vicious circle, I guess if it works on the same receptor in the brian it could help. I shot up meth for 3 months, STRAIGHT, when i left the town, i had NO withdrawals. so I still don't see how it would help, I have heard of people having withdrawals so for them it might help, but methadone is very addictive, and worse than any drug as you have to get up early to get it, basically if you don't make it to the clinic, on THEIR time schedule, your screwed. its a drug whos dealer only sells from 5am to 12, and you can never go on vacation. Plus it opens a window to an opiate addiction, which in my opinion is worse than anything and iI have tried everything except PCP, even drugs that are not illegal YET, or were legal at the time i did them.
But I don't think methadone is the way to go with a meth addiction, but with an opiate addiction, I do think I helps if used once every week or too. When on meth, link a typical meth head, I could spend 18 hours to fix a VCR that I don't even use, but it is because i am focused on that, and forget about everything else, many times i will only smoke 1 or 2 cigarettes in a day, because i forgot as i was focused on something else; It is that mind set i seek when I do meth, forget about heroin, focus on something else.
When it wears off I can take a small dose to not be sick, and something for sleep and I could sleep 24+ hours, those are hours when I am not using heroin not to mention the time before when I was focused on other stuff. I definitely think it can be a tool when used lightly, as can opiates, but I know that is a tool I can never use again, as I have figuratively cut off both my hands.

TOADY, BETTER THAT I EXPECTED!!

Well, for those of you following the bog, I was pissed about the last landlord not giving us our deposit back. Well, after another meeting, lots of yelling and math, we got back what I consider fair. So now I have enough money to travel for my detox, and tonight my fiance gets paid, well tomorrow.
This makes me really excited,Im so ready to give this life up. And as I have said I will also do a blog about traveling in Mexico cheap, so I will have purpose to get out and see thing. Most important I think, is to give me something to do.
 It's a 24 hour bus ride from Phoenix, or 2 hours flight so I heard. But those prices are not good until march, but it's the same price. I'm just ready to start now. So it's a matter of days!
Now I have to figure out my travel plans, I would like to start (detoxing) in Mazatlan, as its warm and I can find a heap place to detox, I think (I hope)! The reasons are its warm there to combat the chills and warm water to combat the bone pains.
Another reason, trains traveling south have to stop in Mazatlan to get a bigger, or more engines, as the route out of Mazatlan is all uphill. so i figure a good place to get out of town free, and since it's not close to the border, security is relaxed, and some trains, the longer ones (they go the furthest) don't even fit in the train yards, so they might be sticking out a 1/2 mile on each side.
I have heard the trains can be dangerous, but most people are traveling north, and I am prepared to defend myself if necessary.
I will miss my girl and my dog, and my home, my bed, TV.
but i will be excited to not have to see the dealers the unwanted sickness, having to wake up and go straight to downtown before i do anything, the smell of hot cat piss (the smell of cooking heroin), the blood, the swollen limbs, the bruises, the scars, the lengths i go to hide this from people, the fear of the police, the thought that I am not only ruining my life but the life of my fiance, the fact that i cant make anything of myself like this.
All this I will be ecstatic to never have to see again, never.

But I have been reading a Mexico train blog, and I followed train tracks from the border, all the way down (it took a long time!)
But there is no trains between Baja California Norte, and Sinaloa, I found that very surprising, as the Colorado River it drained for farms well before it gets to the Sea of Cortez!
But I will start looking on craigslist to figure out step one, so if anyone know anyone going from TJ, sand diego, Orange County or LA, to Phoenix, Nogales, Mazatlan, or anywhere in between to or from my destination. Please let me know, I might be able to share gas cost, or driving time, anything could help no matter how small. Or if you know a cheap place somewhere in Mexico I could rent.
Well, thats all for this post, hopeful tomorrow, I will have a schedule!

A DAY OF REFLECTION

Yesterday I had a scare I sent this link to my Facebook account, with all my friends, family everyone.
So far it seem like 3 people saw it, 2 of them I would consider my best friends, even though they live in different cities 1000's of mile from each other, and me. And an old friend who I know understands.
They have all been very supportive, and honestly I would expect nothing less from these people. It's who they are, or at least how our relationships have always been.
It make me think of all the people I effect with this 1000s of miles away, one person on the other side of the world!
I have always thought this was only about me, and my girl, as she has put up with all the bullshit.
But now I have people I care about worried as well, something I never wanted. Not that I wanted to hide it, but when I talk to them and they say how are you, I don't want to be like. Well.......... I don't want people worrying about me. I don't worry about me, why should they. That sounds cold.It's not meant that way.
 Their thought, and concerns mean the world to me. But the situations I regularly put myself in, ays I don't care about myself. So I definitely don't want the people I care about worrying about me.
At least with this issue.
I said the other day, i have never stolen, lied, or scammed anyone to support my habit, so  figured I never hurt anyone except myself, and my girl. (not to say she can handle it, or deserves it)
But I have hurt a lot of people. That sucks, we only hurt the ones we love.
The other people don't give a shit.

the money it takes

I had a fight with my fiance over $8usd, thats what my heroin currently costs per day.
i said i would do whatever i had to to get the money, and she said well maybe you should do that
As im spending our money until I leave. But I don't want to beg, or sell stuff, or steal. Im told I think we are rich and don't care about the money, if I did, I would do less.
I wish that was true, I know im throwing away money, our money, and currently she's the only one working. Its shitty, disrespectful, it makes it look like im using her, and I don't care about our future together. When in reality that is all as far from the truth as possible.
But thats how she feel, and she should, that is how she is being treated. I have told her many times, everything she has done for me will be made up, somehow some way, and I intend to do that. But the fact that $8 has caused so much trouble is saying a lot, I have spent $1000.00's on this shit, in the last couple months.
I just need to make it 1 more week.
on a side note my back is .killing me

time to cut down again

Because of our money problems, I have to cut down again or it will delay my detox.  So as hard as it might be I have to do it, or just stay on this path i'm on. A path of death, misery, destruction, there is nothing good down this road. Well, there is temporary comfort. But thats it I might feel good for a couple hours, after im not sore from 30 pricks with a needle. But that is short lived.
Now I have moved into a new house, with a girl who is the cousin of one of my best friends here, so I have to be even more careful no one finds out before I leave.
I wish this could start today, I don't want to get sick or feel bad, and like I have aid many times, if I do it here, I will just go et drugs, but to be in a place where I have nothing, no options, but to get sick and deal with it, thats all I want, I will be gone for a long time, so the longer I wait to go, the longer till I return. The in turn longer till I leave this town.
I guess the easy part is now almost everything is unpacked so I can get sick, and stay in bed most of the day.
That takes some of the pressure off me to "be well" if I had the balls, I would say fuck it and start detoxing now. I just cant bring myself to do that.

day 17

Finally tomorrow, I will have internet again, because of the move I haven't been able to make regular posts.
But also because the move I have to be busy, I haven't really had any time to do anything other that unpack, and fix things in the house.
My fiance has been very upset that I haven't lowered my dosage. But I cant, besides the fact I am having trouble getting lower than I am now. But withdrawal the stuff I am expected to do, I cant take any time to be sick, in fact I have to be feeling pretty good to do all this, which sometime means more that regularly.
i placed an ad about work for trade for a bus/plane ticket out of here, or rooms at a hostel for a couple weeks to detox. i was contacted by one person who said they thought they could help me, i don't know what he means by that, best case, is he needs a lot of stuff done, and i will have the resources to leave this week, worst case, he just want to talk to me abbot religion.
I think I have made it clear  on my thoughts of religion, I know some people don't give up and I guess it could range all the way to people who think they should kill non believers.
none of this has anything to do with the real issue. i think i will be leaving in around a week, unless something else happens to speed up things, time seems to go so slow while i'm waiting to go, and when i get sick. i know i'm gonna be sick no matter what. but when i know it's a 5 min drive to make al the pain go away, i wont be able to stop. and as long as i'm need to do all kinds of stuff. i cant wait till there is nothing hanging over my head, and i can go lay down outside where it is warm, hopefully hot. and withdrawal thereafter i get that pas me it will all be uphill

14, NOT AS BAD AS YESTERDAY!

We are almost done unpacking, so I can focus on what I need to, plus I might be leaving in about 2 week. Waiting, is almost worse, I just want to be over with all this everything, the needles, the swollen limbs, the blood, the trips to a shady area, worrying about the police, and how it affect my personal lives most of all.

So I was looking at my ole, and can people please tell me why it it not helpful, and what I would need to do to make it helpful?
I have said many times I want people to know what they are getting themselves into. So that is my main goal, knowing that would you still sat it isn't helpful?
i'm not writing this for the hell of it, if i am not getting my viewpoint, and a lesson, if not completely spelled out. across, in my mind, I'm waiting my time. so if there is something i could do to remedy this situation PLEASE let me know

DAY 13

this is getting hard, i cant seem to get past my current dosage, i get too crazy , anger from know where.  emotional , depression, i feel like everything is coming down on me, and i don't know why i cant handle anything. it all just becomes too much to deal with. I'm falling apart while i wait to go. the emotional part of all this, the plan, the though that no  mater what i do i'll never be able to change, this is my destiny. what if I fail, then what

how am i gonna get myself out of this. what if the desire never leaves.

I have to stay gone until it goes away, how long until i know if i can t fix this, at what point do i know i cant ever be normal, and stop trying, to be something i cant.

DAY 12

Finally the last day of moving, we are almost done, then I can start being sick, and staying in bed.
I have had too much to do, but still managed to lower my dose 33%. and I couldn't have done it without meth, or the lack of sleep caused by meth, which let me sleep over 24 hours. As I said before I woke up sick, but if I could do that every day I would be off in a week.
I have such a high tolerance with sleeping pills, they usually don't even put me to sleep.
Tylenol PM worked the best, but that doesn't even work anymore. Maybe forcing myself to stay up will help.
(as i will not be doing meth daily)
Before I leave for my big detox/cold turkey, I might do it one more time, to get as low as possible.
 Im at about $4USD a day now, so little it seems like it should be easy to quit, I wish, it is just as hard as a $200 habit.
The place where I get my drugs, I drove past last night to get some, and there was a dead body out front. I don't know if he was hit by a car killed himself, just died, or was killed, but it makes me a little nervous to go there. sadly that doesn't mean i wont go, i have to. until i leave this town i'm hooked.
SAD.

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I MAKE A COUPLE CENTS, BUT I COULD REALLY HELP ME PAY FOR A PLACE TO STAY WHILE I DETOX FOR 2 WEEKS!
THANKS FOR EVERYONE'S SUPPORT!

DAY 11 I WOKE UP SICK

AND WENT TI GET MY DRUGS, NEARLY CRAPPING MYSELF WAITING. BUT WHEN I GOT HOMW, I FORGOT, IT HAS BEEN SO LONG BETWEEN MY LAST DOSE, SO I DID 2 TIMES MORE THAT I WAS SUPPOSE TO, I DID MY WHOLE DAS SUPPLY AT ONCE.
THAT WOULD BE OK, EXCEPT, I HAVE TO MOVE, AND I WILL LIKELY BE UP LATE, I HATE HAVING TU PUSH BACK EVERY TIME I WANT TO DETOX, I CAT BECAUSE I CAT BE SICK, BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE IS, AND I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING.
IT SUCKS, I NEED TO LEAVE, I CANT WAIT TO LEAVE.

DAY 10, DOING METH TO LOWER MY DOSE?

I have done a little research, and while this is likely not the best idea for most people, it seems to help for me. Meth works in your brain like heroin, in theory keeping you from withdrawals, but it doesn't do that, i keep you awake, as we have ben moving w/my fiance sick I have done most everything, and though we are not done, we are 1 truckload away! but seeing as i have had to pack a house alone load and unload a truck, alone, I got some meth. at first it seemed like i was doing more, but in reality i was doing the heroin every time i started to get sick, since i wasn't sleeping, every 6 or so hours, i did some.
But since i was up, and working for 3 days, i slept 27 hours straight, obviously I woke up sick and did a little, but less than normal, Im thinking if i drug myself to sleep in a couple hours, I will be closing in on 48 hours with 1 dose, that would mean i need 1 a day, $2.20 USD, thats pretty low, so thats my plan for now, as i want to get as low as possible before i leave.

trying to add RSS service ti thus blog

anyone know how?
ALSO YESTER PEOPL CLICKED ON MY AD I GUESS I MADE $4, TODAY NOT ONE, CICK, HOW DOES THAT WORK? $4 A DAY WILL PAY FOR THIS WHOLE THING!