About Me

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Tijuana, Baja California Norte, Mexico
I am 37 been a junkie for over 10 years, here are some of my stories...

Friday, January 28, 2011

DAY 7

SO 2 days ago I mentioned a wish list, first off, I am new to all this, I thought I could put a bus or plane ticket on there and have people put $1 each in, I know now it doesn't work like that.
But I want to make it clear I am not asking for money, IT WILL GO TO DRUGS.
My fiance has been sick so this paycheck will be nothing, so it looks like we will have to wait till the 15th of feb before I can buy a ticket and get out of town.
The only reason I asked for help is because I want to start this now. I'm not looking forward to this, I will be sick, in strange place missing my girl, and dog, and my spanish isn't so hot.
I do have some friends I will stay with, but not for long, and not until I am well past my detox, as they know nothing about this.
But when I return I will move cross country to stay away from this stuff, for a while, I don't have the luxury of rehab. Well, I did find some free places, but they don't have any DR's on staff. I am a diagnosed with manic depression, lithium the drug that help me is a heavy metal, so I nee blood drawls 2 times a week.
1st i don't have the veins
2nd i cant afford the DR
3rd, I don't believe in god, or a higher power, and I don't want to hear about it.
I believe religion has caused so much pain and suffering throughout the world from the spanish inquisition to 911. torture, oppression, lies, greed, murder, where does it end? people twist their religions to make it ok to do what they want, like blow up people get 99 virgins (that would be a pain in the ass training all those virgins!) or maybe they WERE virgins, and islam has twisted that to appeal to their target market!
AND FAITH? The actually definition, belief that is not based on proof.
how can people be so stupid. and of all the religions, it's really what country you were raised in that determines your belief (for the most part) so who is right? no one
I do believe in a Buddhist way of life, don't hurt others, animals included (I'm a vegetarian of 23 years) But thats as far as it goes.
If you can't tell just the mention of religion pisses me off, don't get me wrong I love to argue (debate) with other about religion, politics, foreign policy, local policies, global warming, or lack there of, wars, anything. But my mind is made up. I love science, chemistry.
Seeing how things work, knowing why they do what they do.
Religion is the complete absence of that, and logic.
But I wasn't asking for a Iphone, of a ring, or money, only a greyhound, or similar, and a hostel, the cheapest possible for me to be in for 2 weeks.
Other than that I don't want anything, except to keep someone from going down this route.
I have been trying to taper my doses down, but we have to move, and with my girl sick, I cant be sick, I have to do everything, and that sucks too.
I am so ready to start this journey, to get my life back, to make something of myself, to be able to take care of my girl, as she has taken care of me.

4 comments:

AvgasStew said...

you are going to have to lose it all before you realize the only way your going to quit is when you change. I am sorry I can't be any more help than that - but it is doable. Addictions are motherfuckers.

Anonymous said...

I dated a cocaine addict many years ago, I helped her get off of it but it was hell. I can't even fathom what you're going through but if its anything like her: I wish you the best of luck and hope you come through a big winner!

marsden said...

yo
dont ever ..EVER EVER give up... i've been there and know first hand the shit youre going through...i know it is totally posssible and you will succeed as long as u keep your head up and DONT give up .. dont know what your though you say ur manic and i also struggle with mental bipolar-depression/anxiety/\ptsd****rage/personality/mood/a.d.d./\and brain damage from multiply brain traumas... i was in recovery centers and even the psychward because i had thoughts of ending it all frequently and i even got booted from kinghaven ..those'jesusworshippingdunkees' gave me my meds for a month and booted me out when i knw i was thinking bad and i went tshhere .. on my own. then i went back to K.H... do u know what? i took them all. like 150-200 of .. seroquel,effexor,clonzepam //for a mo! woke up in msa again.w/ decathetor.. so lost rt . i ended up taking a truck in the morning from a jeep dealership as it was warming up at like 8 am and drove to the nearest bank. robbed it. got a 3rd degree burn on my groin area from the FLAMABLe dye bag! and i got busted! that was a few years ago and since i did finally get it!
i know that it is and i am living a really sweet life// there was a lot to go through and it really isnt the drugs. not for me/.. it was just a way i used to be.. only way i knew.. the escape from it all was seemingly worth it ! and i know i really didnt want that..it wasnt really worth it.. i was just afraid to deal with reality.. i had to really own my shit... i took my life in my hands .. away from the devil of addiction... that was straight hell down there. i really can say that my life now even though i struggle with alot of stress and its not easy to go through the therapy i had to also do... its not enjoyable to sit and deal with shit i kept acbk and stuffed inside withoutanytheing to numb me and to make me forget but i am soooo happy now.. though i am still all over the place emotionally speaking ..i still find peace.. good luck to you and good for you!!!

marsden said...

oh my mouse has some kind of mind of its ownis not intentional .. all the serious TYPOS .. i am switching computers now.. sorry bout that.. you get the point though ya

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