About Me

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Tijuana, Baja California Norte, Mexico
I am 37 been a junkie for over 10 years, here are some of my stories...

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

update! sorry for the delays

i have been keeping a diary that i can update later, now i willl just give my current situation. mainly for my friends following me.
i went to a hotel to sell some pills to a lady, met a girl, and her dad. offered to buy her dad a beer she said he was 10 months sober. that was that never saw the lady, so i went back another day and he was there so i asked about his sobritey, he talked about jesus, and said he knew an cab driver, we went and found the cab driver who lived in tj had a herion problem too, knew the places, the clinics, and ther  canadian guy said get him some help, ill pay for the cab, 15 mins later i was in a rehab, locked up like jail, probley the best thing for me for a couple days, then i started bitching about stuff as i cant go to meetings in spanish cause they talk to fast and i zone out, i said i want help, but i need it in english im not here toget my spanish better im here to get my life better, that marked a big change in the program for me, suddenly im out with the bosses, taking the bus, walking around, always supervised. but that is probley for the best too. they like me as i am the one of the few that came by myself, even though it all happened so quickly i didnt have much of a choice. they are suppposedly opening a clinic for americans here so they are going to have me work for them. i keep going back and forth about how long i will stay it is a 3 month program, but in spanish you might as welll talk to me in tounges. also today i found out my fiances best frinds cousin recently overdosed on heroin in tj.
after hearing that i was tramitized went to the kitchen where pink floyds wish you were here was playing.
that song reminds me of my best friend in seattle who died from heroin too. i almost lost it. im still shaking literally. it makes me think of staying longer.
despite the name of the website this isnt free its 270usd a month, plus my smokes, and food, as im vegitarian.
i dont know what else to say
but i think i will be able to come daily now, or at least a couple times a week

Thursday, March 3, 2011

detox day 4

lost of gatoraide and 2 bannanas, i was ffreezing with 3 layers of sweats in 68 f or about 24 walked to the beach, but my feet hurt to bad, i just sat down ended up talking with about 4 people about how good the heroin in tj is, but there is none here. it seems there are alot of former jukies here cause they cant get it, although 3 hours up the road, its a 8usd or so a gram, 45usd in tj. i cant go back there, ever. culican. mexicos 2 murder capitial after juarez got drunk took pills didnt sleep much

sorry if the typing is bad these are mexican keyboards thing work diffrent and im not spell checking cause i dont care
thats it for tonight 4 new posts to cach up. some are 2 days i have a journal ill publish for those days later

detox day 3

i was hungover bad, starving for h2o ran out side to a taco shop to buy a drink. later gateraide, then beer, pacifico. no food.

day 2 of detox on bus

, with 12 hours to go i sucked it up as much as possible got to mazatlan, asked for a cheap room i was told the cheapest hotel was 60usd a nightas carnaval started in 6 days so i rented a shitty room for 500mx a week, about  35usd went to a bad part of town looking to score, after all this is the mexican state where it all comes from, but 20 people tell me coke, meth or weed, there is not heroin in mazatlan, dumb luck. i got drunk with some street guy took some colonipin and smoked pot and passed out

im back sorry ruined my computer, 28 hours on a bus poor and lost

well i guess im about a week behind
i spilt soda on my computer
the next day i took a 28 hour bus ride to mazatlan mexico, i took enough heroin to stay well till i got there
but i hid it, lost 1, dropped the other on the floor by me the military found it, searched me for a whle and let us go. somewhere else they found some coke on the floor by someone, im sure that helped me, just a used bus.the rest of the heroin in my mouth i shot up instantly after that was over, started feeling sick, took a couple imidoa ad 2 colinopin 2mgs and some liquor and passed out till 8 am, my bus left at 3pm the day before.
i guess im missing one more day, the day of the computer i did alot of drugs, like break up sex. i needed it all on more time. i dont remember it.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


1ST off I talked to the bus company today, I will leave Monday AT THE LATEST, maybe sooner, I need to make sure I have all the supplies I need, and everything my girl needs is done, and spend as much time with her as possible, as I will be gone for months.
2nd, I'm thinking another day/night of meth would be good for my detox, so when I get on the bus, for a 27 hour bus ride, I can sleep the whole time. I have looked into this thing, to see if it is known to help. And what I found out, from a government website (.gov) methadone is used for cocaine, and meth addiction as well.
I have know for years the methadone clinic in Tijuana gives methadone to meth heads, but they are a business, and want to get as many people as possible on methadone for the rest of their lives. 20 years ago i was addicted to meth, I don't see how methadone would have helped me as my issue was i do it for work, after i cant sleep when i finally get to sleep i have to get up in an hour, so i have to do it again, or, do it before i go to sleep so the next day i could sleep after work.
This never worked, I was stuck in a vicious circle, I guess if it works on the same receptor in the brian it could help. I shot up meth for 3 months, STRAIGHT, when i left the town, i had NO withdrawals. so I still don't see how it would help, I have heard of people having withdrawals so for them it might help, but methadone is very addictive, and worse than any drug as you have to get up early to get it, basically if you don't make it to the clinic, on THEIR time schedule, your screwed. its a drug whos dealer only sells from 5am to 12, and you can never go on vacation. Plus it opens a window to an opiate addiction, which in my opinion is worse than anything and iI have tried everything except PCP, even drugs that are not illegal YET, or were legal at the time i did them.
But I don't think methadone is the way to go with a meth addiction, but with an opiate addiction, I do think I helps if used once every week or too. When on meth, link a typical meth head, I could spend 18 hours to fix a VCR that I don't even use, but it is because i am focused on that, and forget about everything else, many times i will only smoke 1 or 2 cigarettes in a day, because i forgot as i was focused on something else; It is that mind set i seek when I do meth, forget about heroin, focus on something else.
When it wears off I can take a small dose to not be sick, and something for sleep and I could sleep 24+ hours, those are hours when I am not using heroin not to mention the time before when I was focused on other stuff. I definitely think it can be a tool when used lightly, as can opiates, but I know that is a tool I can never use again, as I have figuratively cut off both my hands.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Well, for those of you following the bog, I was pissed about the last landlord not giving us our deposit back. Well, after another meeting, lots of yelling and math, we got back what I consider fair. So now I have enough money to travel for my detox, and tonight my fiance gets paid, well tomorrow.
This makes me really excited,Im so ready to give this life up. And as I have said I will also do a blog about traveling in Mexico cheap, so I will have purpose to get out and see thing. Most important I think, is to give me something to do.
 It's a 24 hour bus ride from Phoenix, or 2 hours flight so I heard. But those prices are not good until march, but it's the same price. I'm just ready to start now. So it's a matter of days!
Now I have to figure out my travel plans, I would like to start (detoxing) in Mazatlan, as its warm and I can find a heap place to detox, I think (I hope)! The reasons are its warm there to combat the chills and warm water to combat the bone pains.
Another reason, trains traveling south have to stop in Mazatlan to get a bigger, or more engines, as the route out of Mazatlan is all uphill. so i figure a good place to get out of town free, and since it's not close to the border, security is relaxed, and some trains, the longer ones (they go the furthest) don't even fit in the train yards, so they might be sticking out a 1/2 mile on each side.
I have heard the trains can be dangerous, but most people are traveling north, and I am prepared to defend myself if necessary.
I will miss my girl and my dog, and my home, my bed, TV.
but i will be excited to not have to see the dealers the unwanted sickness, having to wake up and go straight to downtown before i do anything, the smell of hot cat piss (the smell of cooking heroin), the blood, the swollen limbs, the bruises, the scars, the lengths i go to hide this from people, the fear of the police, the thought that I am not only ruining my life but the life of my fiance, the fact that i cant make anything of myself like this.
All this I will be ecstatic to never have to see again, never.

But I have been reading a Mexico train blog, and I followed train tracks from the border, all the way down (it took a long time!)
But there is no trains between Baja California Norte, and Sinaloa, I found that very surprising, as the Colorado River it drained for farms well before it gets to the Sea of Cortez!
But I will start looking on craigslist to figure out step one, so if anyone know anyone going from TJ, sand diego, Orange County or LA, to Phoenix, Nogales, Mazatlan, or anywhere in between to or from my destination. Please let me know, I might be able to share gas cost, or driving time, anything could help no matter how small. Or if you know a cheap place somewhere in Mexico I could rent.
Well, thats all for this post, hopeful tomorrow, I will have a schedule!

Monday, February 14, 2011

so far, a horrible day

I woke up sick, went to do y drugs,  and I got too much blood in the heroin, so it just turns into a clot, ruining the drugs.  I start stressing out, because im sick, and need my drugs, its like putting a steak in front of a dog for 5 mins, then taking it away.
So I got upset, and started yelling about how my drugs were ruined, my girl is sick (this tie the throat) again so I could not understand what she was saying, which got me more irritated. She got upset and started crying, that got me more upset.
This continued to escalate until I got more drugs, a 10 min trip, and got them in me.
This is how this drugs make me treat the person I love more that anyone, she was only upset cause I was yelling, I was upset about the drugs, and her crying, and not being able to understand what was happening.
I have to go more later......…

Sunday, February 13, 2011


"Typical addict blaming someone else for your reason to use, and the reason you got addicted. Take responsibility for your addiction, it's 100% your fault that you use and that you are an addict. Until you stop blaming others you will never get clean. Good Luck to you though."
OBVIOUSLY  you have read my blog, where does it say someone else made me do this. I did it myself.
I don't think a doctor saying "you have the key the the candy cabinet, what do you want" hold no responsibility.
And yes I was told that by a doctor.
But before you make comments on who I am or who I blame for my issues, get off your ass ad read the WHOLE blog, maybe even just the titles. This is never something I blamed on someone else.
and just another junkie blaming some else, do you know any junkies, have you ever done drugs,  you have no idea what you are talking about. even if I was blaming everyone else, who cares as long as i get myself together. thats what this blog is about. to teach people who don't know anything about heroin, what it's really like. Second how i plan to detox to hopefully give other some hope that they can do it too.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Fighting an old lady for my life

As some of you know I recently moved, I spent one day cleaning the house, it was cleaner when we left then when I moved. We didn't damage anything out they are saying the walls, the carpet, even pipes outside the house were supposedly damaged by us. On the way there I said with this money we get can we buy me a ticket out of town ASAP, So this greedy old lady screwed us out of that money just enough so i could leave, and stay in a hostel for 1 1/2 weeks. thing keep getting delayed because of things like this. if shit like this didn't happen i would be clean for 30 days, and maybe be working my way home to see the ones i love, for a short time before i leave again to hopeful seal my sobriety for good.
This little old lady has no idea how she has affected my life.
This is what heroin has done to me , to us, our lives, we a scratching for money to do anything. The price some pay to fill their Hummers could save my life. And my experience is those people are the ones who would say I did this to myself, good luck.
But the doctors that got me addicted to the pills, is not part of the problem, still a respected member of society. I am the trash, the fact that I had a deposit that I planned to use to help with get myself together that doesn't matter. I get no credit for wanting to quit, it doesn't matter that people have stolen some of the money we plan to use. That sad thing is I used to make 2 times the amount of money hat has stressed us out.
But despite all this, no old lady is going to ruin my life, in fact im tempted to ruin hers, but instead I will just harass the hell out of her.
I'll write more later tonight, I don't think I have eaten 3 days, I have had a couple donuts, but thats it, so I need to eat.


Yesterday I had a scare I sent this link to my Facebook account, with all my friends, family everyone.
So far it seem like 3 people saw it, 2 of them I would consider my best friends, even though they live in different cities 1000's of mile from each other, and me. And an old friend who I know understands.
They have all been very supportive, and honestly I would expect nothing less from these people. It's who they are, or at least how our relationships have always been.
It make me think of all the people I effect with this 1000s of miles away, one person on the other side of the world!
I have always thought this was only about me, and my girl, as she has put up with all the bullshit.
But now I have people I care about worried as well, something I never wanted. Not that I wanted to hide it, but when I talk to them and they say how are you, I don't want to be like. Well.......... I don't want people worrying about me. I don't worry about me, why should they. That sounds cold.It's not meant that way.
 Their thought, and concerns mean the world to me. But the situations I regularly put myself in, ays I don't care about myself. So I definitely don't want the people I care about worrying about me.
At least with this issue.
I said the other day, i have never stolen, lied, or scammed anyone to support my habit, so  figured I never hurt anyone except myself, and my girl. (not to say she can handle it, or deserves it)
But I have hurt a lot of people. That sucks, we only hurt the ones we love.
The other people don't give a shit.

Friday, February 11, 2011


If you have followed my site, first off thanks, seconds thanks for finding me again. For everyone else I had to change the address of my blog because after my post last night, while sending out twits, goggle buzz, Facebook, etc., i have to people watching m site so they know when there is an update. well i had Facebook, (which i hate to begin with) but it is by far the best site to find, connect, and stay in touch with people.
Anyway I sent an alert, or notice"that I had posted an update to my bog, 'the story of my heroin...…"
It got sen to all my friends and family. Living in Mexico, I felt shielded from the shame from everyone knowing, That was only something I thought I could hide, so close to leaving and doing some dumb shit like that. Trying to write a blog, and get people to come to it, without using your personal contacts, is hard.
And while I do want people to come to my blog, I work/ed very hard to keep myself private. Sure if you search around you might find out who I am (no-one).
Now I don't have the luxury of 5 years fro now saying, "I had a heroin problem years ago......."
Maybe there isn't a good way to explain this part, as my family life is very complicated.

As distant as I am with my family, it makes me sacred to call them. To friends I might have to see soon, or job prospects, when I move to Seattle, people I didn't see often. This is a part of my life (the addiction) I want to forget, don't get me wrong, I don't want to forget at all, but I don't want to have to explain it to people for years to come, a lot of conservative people, who would think I was stupid, but Rush Limbaugh was brave. Or that he was different from me, in any way, except he had people go get his drug of choice, Oxycotin, also my drug of choice, but at this point n m life above my reach, actually the drug that got me here.
In some peoples eyes, I will always be an idiot, in mind, I will aways be curious, and want to try new things, go new places, live in new places. I want to experience life, this drug has kept me from doing
That Between the methadone clinic, and a heroin connection, I really can't leave town, unless I want to travel thru military checkpoints, I don't. I don't want everyone to know this about me, I never used a needle from another person, I HAVE BEEN SOLD USED, DIRTY NEEDLES and thrown them away.
I have had regular medical tests. But some people will wonder, people will talk, and tell other people.
People will keep me away from their kids, which I don't want kids, and I don't want my friends to have anymore, as I don't want to share them with anyone else (that's a completely different posting!)
I'm, scared of all these things happening. I'm afraid this is like a criminal record, it will always be with me, a thru the grapevine resume.  I'm not worried about being able to restore my name, I never stole, lied or cheated. I  know there is a percentage of people who will think of e the same. I hope thats not the case.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

the money it takes

I had a fight with my fiance over $8usd, thats what my heroin currently costs per day.
i said i would do whatever i had to to get the money, and she said well maybe you should do that
As im spending our money until I leave. But I don't want to beg, or sell stuff, or steal. Im told I think we are rich and don't care about the money, if I did, I would do less.
I wish that was true, I know im throwing away money, our money, and currently she's the only one working. Its shitty, disrespectful, it makes it look like im using her, and I don't care about our future together. When in reality that is all as far from the truth as possible.
But thats how she feel, and she should, that is how she is being treated. I have told her many times, everything she has done for me will be made up, somehow some way, and I intend to do that. But the fact that $8 has caused so much trouble is saying a lot, I have spent $1000.00's on this shit, in the last couple months.
I just need to make it 1 more week.
on a side note my back is .killing me

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

time to cut down again

Because of our money problems, I have to cut down again or it will delay my detox.  So as hard as it might be I have to do it, or just stay on this path i'm on. A path of death, misery, destruction, there is nothing good down this road. Well, there is temporary comfort. But thats it I might feel good for a couple hours, after im not sore from 30 pricks with a needle. But that is short lived.
Now I have moved into a new house, with a girl who is the cousin of one of my best friends here, so I have to be even more careful no one finds out before I leave.
I wish this could start today, I don't want to get sick or feel bad, and like I have aid many times, if I do it here, I will just go et drugs, but to be in a place where I have nothing, no options, but to get sick and deal with it, thats all I want, I will be gone for a long time, so the longer I wait to go, the longer till I return. The in turn longer till I leave this town.
I guess the easy part is now almost everything is unpacked so I can get sick, and stay in bed most of the day.
That takes some of the pressure off me to "be well" if I had the balls, I would say fuck it and start detoxing now. I just cant bring myself to do that.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


So I have had comments from people who don't know if I know how serous this is.
The title of this blog, my story of life, and or death. Says it all.
my best friend died of a heroin overdose, i don't think im special or this could never happen to me,
Because it can, and if I don't do something to change things, it will. I expect that.
i cant continue to live like this, if you can even call this life. if i continue down this road
i would almost prefer death via overdose. that would ensure i stop the suffering im causing to the ones i love, even though it might be hard for a time. at the same time it would ensure this lifestyle would be no more for me.at this point tats what i want more than anything           

Monday, February 7, 2011


Honestly they mean a lot to me, when I feel hopeless, to know that someone who knows my story but no t me, have support for me, and wishes the best for me, means more than I can explain.

day 17

Finally tomorrow, I will have internet again, because of the move I haven't been able to make regular posts.
But also because the move I have to be busy, I haven't really had any time to do anything other that unpack, and fix things in the house.
My fiance has been very upset that I haven't lowered my dosage. But I cant, besides the fact I am having trouble getting lower than I am now. But withdrawal the stuff I am expected to do, I cant take any time to be sick, in fact I have to be feeling pretty good to do all this, which sometime means more that regularly.
i placed an ad about work for trade for a bus/plane ticket out of here, or rooms at a hostel for a couple weeks to detox. i was contacted by one person who said they thought they could help me, i don't know what he means by that, best case, is he needs a lot of stuff done, and i will have the resources to leave this week, worst case, he just want to talk to me abbot religion.
I think I have made it clear  on my thoughts of religion, I know some people don't give up and I guess it could range all the way to people who think they should kill non believers.
none of this has anything to do with the real issue. i think i will be leaving in around a week, unless something else happens to speed up things, time seems to go so slow while i'm waiting to go, and when i get sick. i know i'm gonna be sick no matter what. but when i know it's a 5 min drive to make al the pain go away, i wont be able to stop. and as long as i'm need to do all kinds of stuff. i cant wait till there is nothing hanging over my head, and i can go lay down outside where it is warm, hopefully hot. and withdrawal thereafter i get that pas me it will all be uphill

Saturday, February 5, 2011


We are almost done unpacking, so I can focus on what I need to, plus I might be leaving in about 2 week. Waiting, is almost worse, I just want to be over with all this everything, the needles, the swollen limbs, the blood, the trips to a shady area, worrying about the police, and how it affect my personal lives most of all.

So I was looking at my ole, and can people please tell me why it it not helpful, and what I would need to do to make it helpful?
I have said many times I want people to know what they are getting themselves into. So that is my main goal, knowing that would you still sat it isn't helpful?
i'm not writing this for the hell of it, if i am not getting my viewpoint, and a lesson, if not completely spelled out. across, in my mind, I'm waiting my time. so if there is something i could do to remedy this situation PLEASE let me know

Thursday, February 3, 2011

DAY 13

this is getting hard, i cant seem to get past my current dosage, i get too crazy , anger from know where.  emotional , depression, i feel like everything is coming down on me, and i don't know why i cant handle anything. it all just becomes too much to deal with. I'm falling apart while i wait to go. the emotional part of all this, the plan, the though that no  mater what i do i'll never be able to change, this is my destiny. what if I fail, then what
how am i gonna get myself out of this. what if the desire never leaves.
I have to stay gone until it goes away, how long until i know if i can t fix this, at what point do i know i cant ever be normal, and stop trying, to be something i cant.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

DAY 12

Finally the last day of moving, we are almost done, then I can start being sick, and staying in bed.
I have had too much to do, but still managed to lower my dose 33%. and I couldn't have done it without meth, or the lack of sleep caused by meth, which let me sleep over 24 hours. As I said before I woke up sick, but if I could do that every day I would be off in a week.
I have such a high tolerance with sleeping pills, they usually don't even put me to sleep.
Tylenol PM worked the best, but that doesn't even work anymore. Maybe forcing myself to stay up will help.
(as i will not be doing meth daily)
Before I leave for my big detox/cold turkey, I might do it one more time, to get as low as possible.
 Im at about $4USD a day now, so little it seems like it should be easy to quit, I wish, it is just as hard as a $200 habit.
The place where I get my drugs, I drove past last night to get some, and there was a dead body out front. I don't know if he was hit by a car killed himself, just died, or was killed, but it makes me a little nervous to go there. sadly that doesn't mean i wont go, i have to. until i leave this town i'm hooked.


We have been moving, my fiance has been sick so I have done almost everything, with limited time, I got some meth, stayed up, and moved 90% of the house, I slept over a day, that is over 1 day without heroin, I was very sick when I woke up, but the fact that I was sick meant I was in detox.
Which is an important part of lowering my dosage.
This is NOT a regular thing, I don't like coke, so I wont be doing that.
This was only an observation on my part, I still think it helped. I DO NOT THINK THIS IS RIGHT FOR EVERYONE. AND I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT TO ANYONE!
16 YEARS AGO I WAS ADDICTED TO METH, I quit cold turkey, and never looked back, it is not a drug I enjoy, the reason I was addicted was I did it when I woke up, and took pills to sleep. But that never worked so I would get 1 hour of sleep before work so I did it again, it was a vicious circle.
I dint enjoy it, I got stuck in a cycle.
Like I said this is a drug I do not enjoy, I will not be replacing heroin with another drug unless IT'S a non opiate prescribed by a DR.



Monday, January 31, 2011




I have done a little research, and while this is likely not the best idea for most people, it seems to help for me. Meth works in your brain like heroin, in theory keeping you from withdrawals, but it doesn't do that, i keep you awake, as we have ben moving w/my fiance sick I have done most everything, and though we are not done, we are 1 truckload away! but seeing as i have had to pack a house alone load and unload a truck, alone, I got some meth. at first it seemed like i was doing more, but in reality i was doing the heroin every time i started to get sick, since i wasn't sleeping, every 6 or so hours, i did some.
But since i was up, and working for 3 days, i slept 27 hours straight, obviously I woke up sick and did a little, but less than normal, Im thinking if i drug myself to sleep in a couple hours, I will be closing in on 48 hours with 1 dose, that would mean i need 1 a day, $2.20 USD, thats pretty low, so thats my plan for now, as i want to get as low as possible before i leave.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

trying to add RSS service ti thus blog

anyone know how?

The story of my herion detox, and my life and/or death.: DAY 8-9 MOVING

The story of my herion detox, and my life and/or death.: DAY 8-9 MOVING: "I have been moving the last 2 days without sleep, I feel horrible, as im working on a dose for someone with 12 hours sleep, its about to be ..."


I have been moving the last 2 days without sleep, I feel horrible, as im working on a dose for someone with 12 hours sleep, its about to be 24 + hours, when I wake I will be in full withdrawal.
When that happens you blood pressure really drops. Making veins even harder to find. That translates into 1 hour trying lots of blood and something very swollen and painful.
I Hope that is not the case but it is. it happens when I sleep for 12 hours, so this will be a lot worse, but maybe, I can lower my dose a little.
Or maybe ill get sick in my sleep and wake like that.
I Used to travel any change i got, I have been to 14 countries, but
Now I have to stay close to my connection.
The worsts part of down.
it's just one more way i am wasting my life, and pissing it ll away

Saturday, January 29, 2011


This is a list of drugs I am thinking of taking with me t combat the effects of my heroin withdrawal. I=If you have any experience, or knowledge of using the drug in this manner, PLEASE let me know!
Kolinipin 2mg-have them already, good for muscle craps, sleep, general mood.
Clonidine, blood pressure med, also for motion sickness I THINK, but realy good leg pains, and during withdraw your blood pressure drops.
Imodium AD, Anti-diahara med. opiate base, cant not get high on, but less all side effects, and the runs!
Tramadol. mane made opiate, made to to not be addictive, some say it is, I don't like it, would use like aspirin.
And suggestions on Vitamins?
I have a couple in mInd, just not the mind I'm currently using.
Please you can bitch at me for anything but don't say I am running from the reality I created, I know there is nothing (under $15,000-$30,000) to give me no withdraws, I will drink beer, and try to stay in a relaxing environment, maybe the middle oh know where alone.
But I, am looking to lessen the symptoms, right now I have between a $5-$8.5 USD a day habit, I'm trying to gee lower before I eave, I feel stuck though, I have done this before at this dose, I don't know why, it's very hard dose to kick.

Many years ago I had an X-Girlfriend I moved cross country with, we were together 3 years, but remained friend. One day she called me, and told me she was addicted to heroin and dint know what to do.
I(if you have been reading my blog you'll know i sold pills for man years)
I told he I would detox her, at my house.
I went to a hospital in a major city with a notorious heroin problem, turned in her, spoons, needles, candles, lighters, all those old wrappers/baloons, and cottons you keep cause you think if you save enough its like 1"HIGH FREE1" IT NEVER IS, I GAVE IT AL TO A DR. TO DESTROY AND EXPLAINED M. SITUATION, I TOLD HIM I WAS GOOING TO KEEP A CHART FOR HER, IN ORDER TO TO LET HER CEAT ME, OR OD HER, I WAS GOING TO GIVE HER 100MG OF VALIUM A DAY, 4 TYLENOL PM, some (i don't remember how much) Phenegren, an opiate enhancer, better know as something for motion sickness, and imodium AD, contains ONLY an opiate you cant get high on, ad works for the runs.
I kept he in the sun room, to try to keep her warm. Given THIS WA MY X, I still, and still do love her, but I'm sure there was some getting even mixed it.
For the 1st 3 days, she got her meds, but then I gave her less, so she would suffer, ad remember what it like, she was sick for 2 weeks, bad, looking back I eel bad.
I have detoxed a couple times, it's never that bad for me, unless it's from oxycontin.
That was the last time she did heroin for about 10 years, she relapsed 1 night but thats it.
ANYWAY told the DR. I was going to do this, and give her these drugs, and he said I cant advise someone drugs to give someone I have never seen. BUT if she was here we wold give her pretty much the same thing.
You hear about those rich bastards getting a 4 hour detox for $30,000USD and a month later they are back. But I'm wondering, but don't thing its related to pain.
Yes, as kids we get spanked for being bad, as addicts we are immature.
but i think it come down to you, what you want, while i hate heroin, and want all this over with
I still want it, I still like needles in my veins, THAT IS WHAT I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM, that is what I have to get out of my head.
Pain, it only makes we makes something to stop the pain, why not skip that part?

Friday, January 28, 2011


SO 2 days ago I mentioned a wish list, first off, I am new to all this, I thought I could put a bus or plane ticket on there and have people put $1 each in, I know now it doesn't work like that.
But I want to make it clear I am not asking for money, IT WILL GO TO DRUGS.
My fiance has been sick so this paycheck will be nothing, so it looks like we will have to wait till the 15th of feb before I can buy a ticket and get out of town.
The only reason I asked for help is because I want to start this now. I'm not looking forward to this, I will be sick, in strange place missing my girl, and dog, and my spanish isn't so hot.
I do have some friends I will stay with, but not for long, and not until I am well past my detox, as they know nothing about this.
But when I return I will move cross country to stay away from this stuff, for a while, I don't have the luxury of rehab. Well, I did find some free places, but they don't have any DR's on staff. I am a diagnosed with manic depression, lithium the drug that help me is a heavy metal, so I nee blood drawls 2 times a week.
1st i don't have the veins
2nd i cant afford the DR
3rd, I don't believe in god, or a higher power, and I don't want to hear about it.
I believe religion has caused so much pain and suffering throughout the world from the spanish inquisition to 911. torture, oppression, lies, greed, murder, where does it end? people twist their religions to make it ok to do what they want, like blow up people get 99 virgins (that would be a pain in the ass training all those virgins!) or maybe they WERE virgins, and islam has twisted that to appeal to their target market!
AND FAITH? The actually definition, belief that is not based on proof.
how can people be so stupid. and of all the religions, it's really what country you were raised in that determines your belief (for the most part) so who is right? no one
I do believe in a Buddhist way of life, don't hurt others, animals included (I'm a vegetarian of 23 years) But thats as far as it goes.
If you can't tell just the mention of religion pisses me off, don't get me wrong I love to argue (debate) with other about religion, politics, foreign policy, local policies, global warming, or lack there of, wars, anything. But my mind is made up. I love science, chemistry.
Seeing how things work, knowing why they do what they do.
Religion is the complete absence of that, and logic.
But I wasn't asking for a Iphone, of a ring, or money, only a greyhound, or similar, and a hostel, the cheapest possible for me to be in for 2 weeks.
Other than that I don't want anything, except to keep someone from going down this route.
I have been trying to taper my doses down, but we have to move, and with my girl sick, I cant be sick, I have to do everything, and that sucks too.
I am so ready to start this journey, to get my life back, to make something of myself, to be able to take care of my girl, as she has taken care of me.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I will work for bus ticket, hostel rooms in s. California

This week I can work in Tijuana, San Diego, if you put gas in my car, Imperial Vally, Orange County, Los Angeles, Riverside.
I can come do whatever work you need, for a bus ticket or plane ticket, both are about $150
I will also work for room, you can pay me, and I will book and pay for a room for a week or longer in front of you, so I will not have any cash for drugs, but MY fiance is sick, os with med and DR's bills we cant afford to do this until FEB 15th, but I am ready I want to go now.
If anyone has any work please contact me, Leave a # and I will contact you.

day 6 wish list or any help

When I started this blog, I saw something for a wish list, which I cannot find now.
But I was going to see if i could put gift cards for hostels, restaurants, food, bus tickets in Mexico (southern) you can buy bus tickets that you can get off at any stop, and get back on, and they don't expire, i would want to do that as i need to stay months. plane tickets,(sometimes they are cheaper than a bus, last week TJ to Mazatlan was $32usd after taxes, now its $150) or have someone pay for how ever many nights that wanted to stay at a hostel $10-20 a day, (I WILL STAY AT THE CHEAPEST PLACE IN ANY TOWN ) but the biggest hostel, hosteling international doesn't have gift card, and will not take 3rd party payments, and i know better that to even ask for cash.
But if anyone has any ideas, or churches that I could sleep in a closet for a night, anything let me know please. I WILL WORK FOR A PLACE OR FOOD OR WHATEVER.
AGAIN THIS IS THE 1ST AND LAST TIME I WILL POST A POST LIKE THIS, this blog is not about getting things free, it about my story of kicking this habit, and HOPEFULLY helping others before they get this far down the road I'm on. But again your comments advice, everything has been a great help to me too, something I never expected.
I knew writing about what I'm going thru would be therapeutic, but the comments are helpful too so Please keep them coming.
P.S no listings for food banks, or homeless shelters, there are millions of Mexicans way worse off that me, maybe they don't have an addiction, but they have kids, no, or low paying job, maybe no home, or a shack, I will not do anything to take away any help for them, I can eat peanut butter everyday, and sleep in the jungle.
The only option I can think of is sending money to my fiances pay pal and as I have told her if a hostel if $80 a week, she can call the hostel, by looking the # up online and confirming the price, transferring the money to my account, and then confirming I am really there, if im not she will cut me off the whole trip.
For the record, she does NO drugs, and has no habits. I know that might be hard to confirm online, I can send pics of my arms, and hers.
Other than that, maybe a video of her passing a drug test?
BUT IF YOU CLICK ON THE AD BELOW, I MIGHT GET A PENNY PER cLICK, ENOUGH CLICKS MIGHT SUPPORT ME, BUT EACH CLICK HAS TO COME FROM A DIFFERENT COMPUTER. BUT AGAIN THIS IS NOT ABOUT MONEY, the only reason I am doing this is my girl got sick and has not been able to work, prices went up, so now we are looking at feb 15 for the soonest i can go, i want to go this weekend. you can send money via pay pal, thru www.chipin.com (www.chipin.com protects her identity), witch is also pay pal, you don't have to sign up for anything new, your papal account it connected to this site already
NO MORE MONEY TALK I SWEAR! I will not bring it up again, period.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Day 5 lower my dose 25%

But sadly I can't find anymore veins besides in my dick, but the lower dose was fine as I got it all instead of missing part of the dose.
The side effect of that is big bruises, but I don't care I'll be gone so they can heal.
My friends who could get discount plane tickets have not come thru so I might buy what I can find today, I'm gonna start looking now.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The story of my herion detox, and my life and/or death.: DAY 4, SUCKED

The story of my herion detox, and my life and/or death.: DAY 4, SUCKED: "I am trying to cut down before my trip, so I don't feel great, yesterday, i got a flat, today my spare got flat, i walked 2 miles, the 1/2 a..."


I am trying to cut down before my trip, so I don't feel great, yesterday, i got a flat, today my spare got flat, i walked 2 miles, the 1/2 a mile with a tire, and 1/2 with 2 tires (they rim was damaged) so i had to get a tire, and rim, the reason i was out, was to sell stuff i don't need to fund my "trip" the money i made paid for the tire.


In the past I left for 2 weeks, came back was not sick, but was still craving it, so I went back.
I will not return until those desires are gone, usually 6-8 weeks, when I return I will be leaving again shortly to move to Seattle, where I have no connections, and lots of support.
(i know its reputation but I don't know it like that)
I want out of this life style, Im sick if my hands being to swollen to move, blood all over me, and my clothes. I have been given an ultimatum from my fiance, this is my last chance with her.
For all she has done for me, everything she has put up with the last thing I want to do is top it all off with a big FUCK YOU.
I owe her too much.
I have goals for my life for our life. And I cant continue doing what I am doing and accomplish anything.
Again the most import thing is I don't want this anymore for myself, or the people around me.

I live in Mexico Tijuana, drugs stop here before crossing to the world largest illegal drug consuming country in the world, The USA. But heroin is grown in northern Mexico, they wont ship it south as the price is 80% less, so all the drugs go north, I will also be in the middle of nowhere with no money. So that should stop any desires I have. Despite popular belief pain killers are NOT available by prescription, they are for hospital use only, MY fiance works for a neurosurgeon, and 3 plastic surgeons, they can't even prescribe pain killers.
Yes you can go to any border town and buy whatever you want, but that is because it was smuggled from the USA, I know this for a fact as I have supplied some pharmacies in the past.

Also the last 2 times I kicked, it wasn't that bad, as I had weened down, it wasn't fun but I can do it.
It about getting this out of my head, I have an addiction to the needle as much as the heroin, so just doing something different for a couple months will help break those thoughts, and if not I will deal with them. this "trip"is my "intervention" this is my chance at "rehab"I won't get this opportunity agin in my life, there is no one who would do it except my fiance, and lie i said this is my last chance. I wont fuck it up.

P.S. I really appreciate the support, the doubts, the advice, everything, it keep all these things on my mind, and gives me someone to talk to about it. I started this blog to help others see where they could end up, but surprisingly it seems to be helping me too.



Sunday, January 23, 2011

How did this happen?

When I was 18 I was paid to go to a DR. Get a script for Vicodin, and Valium, I kept the Valium, and sold all the Vicodin to one guy who drove me, paid the DR. Paid for both prescriptions and gave me $100, so I made $100 and a bottle of Valium.
I learned about "DR. Shopping" "quack DR's" and I memorized drugs and their side effects, so I could now go to any DR. Say I had pain, and that these meds didn't work for me because of these side effects, leaving the Dr. with only one option, the drug I wanted.
At 1st I didn't like Vicodin, my opiate addiction started with a cough syrup, then Vicodin, then ES's then Hp's (Norcos) then Percodan, right about that time Oxycontin was realized. Then I found a DR. Who gave you whatever you wanted, and didn't even charge!
I was selling most of these drugs, but I was doing some Oxy's. AT one point I was doing $20,000.USD transactions at a time, money would be deposited in my bank, I would buy a friend a plane ticket NYC to San Francisco who would buy 500+ 80 mg Oxy's at a time. BY the time I realized I was addicted I had a $500 usd habit, not a cent of which I paid. But I obviously had a problem, so I left, moved cross country, to LA, the withdrawals from OXY is the worst thing I have ever experienced I had to make it stop, I got on Methadone, but I felt trapped on it, so I went to heroin, it was cheaper, at 1st, and I could control my dose, and work my way down, fast forward 10 years, and i now have a $10USD a day heroin habit (I live in Mexico, so it's a lot cheaper)
I am trying to continue to lower my dosage, but its hard, I want to get high, even though I cant afford to, I want to put needles in my veins, because iI have learned when I do that I feel good. But I have NO veins left, my arms, hands, feet, dick, nowhere, they are all gone, replaced by scar tissue.
If I can do my drugs in 30 mins, with blood all over myself, I have been successful.
That is a good day for me now. I am leaving this week, I don't know when, I might get a plane, bus, or even drive, but I need to get 2-3000 miles away, and get myself stranded to quit.
I have left town a quit for 2 weeks before, and come straight back to get more heroin.
I cant afford rehab, my arms are too fucked up to even look for a job in the winter.
You can see the veins of scars across my hands, and arms. So that is how this all began, I hope it will end in the jungle in the middle of nowhere. It has too, I have been given this chance to get away and some basic supplies, in a backpack and I do not want to come home till I'm sure this is out of me forever, I can never take a Vicodin, a Tylenol 3 anything ever again. I can't handle it, In my lIfe I have beat several addictions, injecting meth, eating 20+ Valium a day.
But this I CAN NOT QUIT, THE ONLY WAY IS FOR ME TO NOT BE ABLE TO GET IT. I will steal, lie, sell my stuff, or yours to get enough drugs to not get sick for 4 hours. Thats where I am at now, just trying to keep from getting sick.
But I have to get sick, people, my dad died of cancer, the suffering he went through was horrible, he had no choice. I don't either, this is my cancer, and I have to live with it.
Im Guessing for at least a year I will be wanting this crap, and I might be on the road running for a year if I have to. It's the only way, I have gone to NA meetings, they say if your on drugs, please don't speak, well how the fuck do I ask for help. So I sit there and listen to people talk about not cleaning their bathroom with a toothbrush all night, and being able to sleep, I no longer relate to that. I don't believe in a higher power. That is not an option for me, maybe someone to call when times are hard would be nice but it remains to be seen if I will have that. All I have to do is get high, get on a plane, get off, get sick, find a place to sleep. And not come home for 2 months, like that it sounds easy, I know it wont be.

day 3

I am packing up all my stuff for storage so I can go this week, I don't know what to expect. The way I see it I have had years of "fun" with this crap, now its time for me to pay it back, if I have to sleep on the street.
I have to clean my life up, for me, and the people around me. I am pissing all my money down the drain. My life, my future. Everything, and anything I currently have, or might get in the future. As far as I am concerned, I have an Ipod to lose, nothing else.
Let me be more specific, I have 1 person left in my life that has any hope that this ends. Everyone else has
Given up on me, with no fight from me, I would have given up on myself a long long time ago. I found a dog sleeping in a pile of trash that I took in, She is the only one that loves me no matter how much I spend, how much blood I have dried on my skin, how I might jerk away from her touch because I'm bruised, or swollen, or so high that I don't know who touched me.
But if I fail, she will be taken away from me by that one person who still has hope for me.
If I fail I WILL DIE ALONE, If I fail I won't even have hope for myself so I might as well just end it, save the money, at least at that point I'll still have something to give to my girl. Otherwise, I will just suck all the joy, love, faith, trust and money out of her life. Why put her thru that, I'm not happy like this, the only thing I have to lose, is the knowledge that I haven't completely ruined her life, YET.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

day 1

 im sitting here thinking about what i am about to do, im scared, nervous, i want to go and get this over with, but im don't want to leave my finance, my dog, my home. but this as to be done, i can not quit using heroin here, i always end up going to get some. so i have to leave, get this shit out of my head, my body, my soul. it's everywhere, my day rotates around geting this drug into what veins i can find. pathetic.

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