About Me

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Tijuana, Baja California Norte, Mexico
I am 37 been a junkie for over 10 years, here are some of my stories...

Saturday, January 29, 2011


This is a list of drugs I am thinking of taking with me t combat the effects of my heroin withdrawal. I=If you have any experience, or knowledge of using the drug in this manner, PLEASE let me know!
Kolinipin 2mg-have them already, good for muscle craps, sleep, general mood.
Clonidine, blood pressure med, also for motion sickness I THINK, but realy good leg pains, and during withdraw your blood pressure drops.
Imodium AD, Anti-diahara med. opiate base, cant not get high on, but less all side effects, and the runs!
Tramadol. mane made opiate, made to to not be addictive, some say it is, I don't like it, would use like aspirin.
And suggestions on Vitamins?
I have a couple in mInd, just not the mind I'm currently using.
Please you can bitch at me for anything but don't say I am running from the reality I created, I know there is nothing (under $15,000-$30,000) to give me no withdraws, I will drink beer, and try to stay in a relaxing environment, maybe the middle oh know where alone.
But I, am looking to lessen the symptoms, right now I have between a $5-$8.5 USD a day habit, I'm trying to gee lower before I eave, I feel stuck though, I have done this before at this dose, I don't know why, it's very hard dose to kick.

Many years ago I had an X-Girlfriend I moved cross country with, we were together 3 years, but remained friend. One day she called me, and told me she was addicted to heroin and dint know what to do.
I(if you have been reading my blog you'll know i sold pills for man years)
I told he I would detox her, at my house.
I went to a hospital in a major city with a notorious heroin problem, turned in her, spoons, needles, candles, lighters, all those old wrappers/baloons, and cottons you keep cause you think if you save enough its like 1"HIGH FREE1" IT NEVER IS, I GAVE IT AL TO A DR. TO DESTROY AND EXPLAINED M. SITUATION, I TOLD HIM I WAS GOOING TO KEEP A CHART FOR HER, IN ORDER TO TO LET HER CEAT ME, OR OD HER, I WAS GOING TO GIVE HER 100MG OF VALIUM A DAY, 4 TYLENOL PM, some (i don't remember how much) Phenegren, an opiate enhancer, better know as something for motion sickness, and imodium AD, contains ONLY an opiate you cant get high on, ad works for the runs.
I kept he in the sun room, to try to keep her warm. Given THIS WA MY X, I still, and still do love her, but I'm sure there was some getting even mixed it.
For the 1st 3 days, she got her meds, but then I gave her less, so she would suffer, ad remember what it like, she was sick for 2 weeks, bad, looking back I eel bad.
I have detoxed a couple times, it's never that bad for me, unless it's from oxycontin.
That was the last time she did heroin for about 10 years, she relapsed 1 night but thats it.
ANYWAY told the DR. I was going to do this, and give her these drugs, and he said I cant advise someone drugs to give someone I have never seen. BUT if she was here we wold give her pretty much the same thing.
You hear about those rich bastards getting a 4 hour detox for $30,000USD and a month later they are back. But I'm wondering, but don't thing its related to pain.
Yes, as kids we get spanked for being bad, as addicts we are immature.
but i think it come down to you, what you want, while i hate heroin, and want all this over with
I still want it, I still like needles in my veins, THAT IS WHAT I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM, that is what I have to get out of my head.
Pain, it only makes we makes something to stop the pain, why not skip that part?

Friday, January 28, 2011


SO 2 days ago I mentioned a wish list, first off, I am new to all this, I thought I could put a bus or plane ticket on there and have people put $1 each in, I know now it doesn't work like that.
But I want to make it clear I am not asking for money, IT WILL GO TO DRUGS.
My fiance has been sick so this paycheck will be nothing, so it looks like we will have to wait till the 15th of feb before I can buy a ticket and get out of town.
The only reason I asked for help is because I want to start this now. I'm not looking forward to this, I will be sick, in strange place missing my girl, and dog, and my spanish isn't so hot.
I do have some friends I will stay with, but not for long, and not until I am well past my detox, as they know nothing about this.
But when I return I will move cross country to stay away from this stuff, for a while, I don't have the luxury of rehab. Well, I did find some free places, but they don't have any DR's on staff. I am a diagnosed with manic depression, lithium the drug that help me is a heavy metal, so I nee blood drawls 2 times a week.
1st i don't have the veins
2nd i cant afford the DR
3rd, I don't believe in god, or a higher power, and I don't want to hear about it.
I believe religion has caused so much pain and suffering throughout the world from the spanish inquisition to 911. torture, oppression, lies, greed, murder, where does it end? people twist their religions to make it ok to do what they want, like blow up people get 99 virgins (that would be a pain in the ass training all those virgins!) or maybe they WERE virgins, and islam has twisted that to appeal to their target market!
AND FAITH? The actually definition, belief that is not based on proof.
how can people be so stupid. and of all the religions, it's really what country you were raised in that determines your belief (for the most part) so who is right? no one
I do believe in a Buddhist way of life, don't hurt others, animals included (I'm a vegetarian of 23 years) But thats as far as it goes.
If you can't tell just the mention of religion pisses me off, don't get me wrong I love to argue (debate) with other about religion, politics, foreign policy, local policies, global warming, or lack there of, wars, anything. But my mind is made up. I love science, chemistry.
Seeing how things work, knowing why they do what they do.
Religion is the complete absence of that, and logic.
But I wasn't asking for a Iphone, of a ring, or money, only a greyhound, or similar, and a hostel, the cheapest possible for me to be in for 2 weeks.
Other than that I don't want anything, except to keep someone from going down this route.
I have been trying to taper my doses down, but we have to move, and with my girl sick, I cant be sick, I have to do everything, and that sucks too.
I am so ready to start this journey, to get my life back, to make something of myself, to be able to take care of my girl, as she has taken care of me.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I will work for bus ticket, hostel rooms in s. California

This week I can work in Tijuana, San Diego, if you put gas in my car, Imperial Vally, Orange County, Los Angeles, Riverside.
I can come do whatever work you need, for a bus ticket or plane ticket, both are about $150
I will also work for room, you can pay me, and I will book and pay for a room for a week or longer in front of you, so I will not have any cash for drugs, but MY fiance is sick, os with med and DR's bills we cant afford to do this until FEB 15th, but I am ready I want to go now.
If anyone has any work please contact me, Leave a # and I will contact you.

day 6 wish list or any help

When I started this blog, I saw something for a wish list, which I cannot find now.
But I was going to see if i could put gift cards for hostels, restaurants, food, bus tickets in Mexico (southern) you can buy bus tickets that you can get off at any stop, and get back on, and they don't expire, i would want to do that as i need to stay months. plane tickets,(sometimes they are cheaper than a bus, last week TJ to Mazatlan was $32usd after taxes, now its $150) or have someone pay for how ever many nights that wanted to stay at a hostel $10-20 a day, (I WILL STAY AT THE CHEAPEST PLACE IN ANY TOWN ) but the biggest hostel, hosteling international doesn't have gift card, and will not take 3rd party payments, and i know better that to even ask for cash.
But if anyone has any ideas, or churches that I could sleep in a closet for a night, anything let me know please. I WILL WORK FOR A PLACE OR FOOD OR WHATEVER.
AGAIN THIS IS THE 1ST AND LAST TIME I WILL POST A POST LIKE THIS, this blog is not about getting things free, it about my story of kicking this habit, and HOPEFULLY helping others before they get this far down the road I'm on. But again your comments advice, everything has been a great help to me too, something I never expected.
I knew writing about what I'm going thru would be therapeutic, but the comments are helpful too so Please keep them coming.
P.S no listings for food banks, or homeless shelters, there are millions of Mexicans way worse off that me, maybe they don't have an addiction, but they have kids, no, or low paying job, maybe no home, or a shack, I will not do anything to take away any help for them, I can eat peanut butter everyday, and sleep in the jungle.
The only option I can think of is sending money to my fiances pay pal and as I have told her if a hostel if $80 a week, she can call the hostel, by looking the # up online and confirming the price, transferring the money to my account, and then confirming I am really there, if im not she will cut me off the whole trip.
For the record, she does NO drugs, and has no habits. I know that might be hard to confirm online, I can send pics of my arms, and hers.
Other than that, maybe a video of her passing a drug test?
BUT IF YOU CLICK ON THE AD BELOW, I MIGHT GET A PENNY PER cLICK, ENOUGH CLICKS MIGHT SUPPORT ME, BUT EACH CLICK HAS TO COME FROM A DIFFERENT COMPUTER. BUT AGAIN THIS IS NOT ABOUT MONEY, the only reason I am doing this is my girl got sick and has not been able to work, prices went up, so now we are looking at feb 15 for the soonest i can go, i want to go this weekend. you can send money via pay pal, thru www.chipin.com (www.chipin.com protects her identity), witch is also pay pal, you don't have to sign up for anything new, your papal account it connected to this site already
NO MORE MONEY TALK I SWEAR! I will not bring it up again, period.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Day 5 lower my dose 25%

But sadly I can't find anymore veins besides in my dick, but the lower dose was fine as I got it all instead of missing part of the dose.
The side effect of that is big bruises, but I don't care I'll be gone so they can heal.
My friends who could get discount plane tickets have not come thru so I might buy what I can find today, I'm gonna start looking now.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The story of my herion detox, and my life and/or death.: DAY 4, SUCKED

The story of my herion detox, and my life and/or death.: DAY 4, SUCKED: "I am trying to cut down before my trip, so I don't feel great, yesterday, i got a flat, today my spare got flat, i walked 2 miles, the 1/2 a..."


I am trying to cut down before my trip, so I don't feel great, yesterday, i got a flat, today my spare got flat, i walked 2 miles, the 1/2 a mile with a tire, and 1/2 with 2 tires (they rim was damaged) so i had to get a tire, and rim, the reason i was out, was to sell stuff i don't need to fund my "trip" the money i made paid for the tire.


In the past I left for 2 weeks, came back was not sick, but was still craving it, so I went back.
I will not return until those desires are gone, usually 6-8 weeks, when I return I will be leaving again shortly to move to Seattle, where I have no connections, and lots of support.
(i know its reputation but I don't know it like that)
I want out of this life style, Im sick if my hands being to swollen to move, blood all over me, and my clothes. I have been given an ultimatum from my fiance, this is my last chance with her.
For all she has done for me, everything she has put up with the last thing I want to do is top it all off with a big FUCK YOU.
I owe her too much.
I have goals for my life for our life. And I cant continue doing what I am doing and accomplish anything.
Again the most import thing is I don't want this anymore for myself, or the people around me.

I live in Mexico Tijuana, drugs stop here before crossing to the world largest illegal drug consuming country in the world, The USA. But heroin is grown in northern Mexico, they wont ship it south as the price is 80% less, so all the drugs go north, I will also be in the middle of nowhere with no money. So that should stop any desires I have. Despite popular belief pain killers are NOT available by prescription, they are for hospital use only, MY fiance works for a neurosurgeon, and 3 plastic surgeons, they can't even prescribe pain killers.
Yes you can go to any border town and buy whatever you want, but that is because it was smuggled from the USA, I know this for a fact as I have supplied some pharmacies in the past.

Also the last 2 times I kicked, it wasn't that bad, as I had weened down, it wasn't fun but I can do it.
It about getting this out of my head, I have an addiction to the needle as much as the heroin, so just doing something different for a couple months will help break those thoughts, and if not I will deal with them. this "trip"is my "intervention" this is my chance at "rehab"I won't get this opportunity agin in my life, there is no one who would do it except my fiance, and lie i said this is my last chance. I wont fuck it up.

P.S. I really appreciate the support, the doubts, the advice, everything, it keep all these things on my mind, and gives me someone to talk to about it. I started this blog to help others see where they could end up, but surprisingly it seems to be helping me too.



Sunday, January 23, 2011

How did this happen?

When I was 18 I was paid to go to a DR. Get a script for Vicodin, and Valium, I kept the Valium, and sold all the Vicodin to one guy who drove me, paid the DR. Paid for both prescriptions and gave me $100, so I made $100 and a bottle of Valium.
I learned about "DR. Shopping" "quack DR's" and I memorized drugs and their side effects, so I could now go to any DR. Say I had pain, and that these meds didn't work for me because of these side effects, leaving the Dr. with only one option, the drug I wanted.
At 1st I didn't like Vicodin, my opiate addiction started with a cough syrup, then Vicodin, then ES's then Hp's (Norcos) then Percodan, right about that time Oxycontin was realized. Then I found a DR. Who gave you whatever you wanted, and didn't even charge!
I was selling most of these drugs, but I was doing some Oxy's. AT one point I was doing $20,000.USD transactions at a time, money would be deposited in my bank, I would buy a friend a plane ticket NYC to San Francisco who would buy 500+ 80 mg Oxy's at a time. BY the time I realized I was addicted I had a $500 usd habit, not a cent of which I paid. But I obviously had a problem, so I left, moved cross country, to LA, the withdrawals from OXY is the worst thing I have ever experienced I had to make it stop, I got on Methadone, but I felt trapped on it, so I went to heroin, it was cheaper, at 1st, and I could control my dose, and work my way down, fast forward 10 years, and i now have a $10USD a day heroin habit (I live in Mexico, so it's a lot cheaper)
I am trying to continue to lower my dosage, but its hard, I want to get high, even though I cant afford to, I want to put needles in my veins, because iI have learned when I do that I feel good. But I have NO veins left, my arms, hands, feet, dick, nowhere, they are all gone, replaced by scar tissue.
If I can do my drugs in 30 mins, with blood all over myself, I have been successful.
That is a good day for me now. I am leaving this week, I don't know when, I might get a plane, bus, or even drive, but I need to get 2-3000 miles away, and get myself stranded to quit.
I have left town a quit for 2 weeks before, and come straight back to get more heroin.
I cant afford rehab, my arms are too fucked up to even look for a job in the winter.
You can see the veins of scars across my hands, and arms. So that is how this all began, I hope it will end in the jungle in the middle of nowhere. It has too, I have been given this chance to get away and some basic supplies, in a backpack and I do not want to come home till I'm sure this is out of me forever, I can never take a Vicodin, a Tylenol 3 anything ever again. I can't handle it, In my lIfe I have beat several addictions, injecting meth, eating 20+ Valium a day.
But this I CAN NOT QUIT, THE ONLY WAY IS FOR ME TO NOT BE ABLE TO GET IT. I will steal, lie, sell my stuff, or yours to get enough drugs to not get sick for 4 hours. Thats where I am at now, just trying to keep from getting sick.
But I have to get sick, people, my dad died of cancer, the suffering he went through was horrible, he had no choice. I don't either, this is my cancer, and I have to live with it.
Im Guessing for at least a year I will be wanting this crap, and I might be on the road running for a year if I have to. It's the only way, I have gone to NA meetings, they say if your on drugs, please don't speak, well how the fuck do I ask for help. So I sit there and listen to people talk about not cleaning their bathroom with a toothbrush all night, and being able to sleep, I no longer relate to that. I don't believe in a higher power. That is not an option for me, maybe someone to call when times are hard would be nice but it remains to be seen if I will have that. All I have to do is get high, get on a plane, get off, get sick, find a place to sleep. And not come home for 2 months, like that it sounds easy, I know it wont be.

day 3

I am packing up all my stuff for storage so I can go this week, I don't know what to expect. The way I see it I have had years of "fun" with this crap, now its time for me to pay it back, if I have to sleep on the street.
I have to clean my life up, for me, and the people around me. I am pissing all my money down the drain. My life, my future. Everything, and anything I currently have, or might get in the future. As far as I am concerned, I have an Ipod to lose, nothing else.
Let me be more specific, I have 1 person left in my life that has any hope that this ends. Everyone else has
Given up on me, with no fight from me, I would have given up on myself a long long time ago. I found a dog sleeping in a pile of trash that I took in, She is the only one that loves me no matter how much I spend, how much blood I have dried on my skin, how I might jerk away from her touch because I'm bruised, or swollen, or so high that I don't know who touched me.
But if I fail, she will be taken away from me by that one person who still has hope for me.
If I fail I WILL DIE ALONE, If I fail I won't even have hope for myself so I might as well just end it, save the money, at least at that point I'll still have something to give to my girl. Otherwise, I will just suck all the joy, love, faith, trust and money out of her life. Why put her thru that, I'm not happy like this, the only thing I have to lose, is the knowledge that I haven't completely ruined her life, YET.

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